Who am I?

Today i'm going to let you in so you can find out a little more about yours truly.

In primary school I didn't speak much at all, I was the shy kid that the teacher had to ask students to play with me at break time. Truth is, I was super antisocial, I had extreme anxiety everyday before getting to school to the point where I was getting stomach aches. I was just over the whole place, the kids were sweet and did all they could to include me but I wouldn't reciprocate the effort. Whilst everyone was outside playing football or kiss-chase, I was sitting in the toilets reading or outside observing the other kids. I dreaded Golden Time, that one hour free on a Friday would have me nearly in tears. Imagine this, an unfortunate looking brown girl sitting round the back of the year 6 huts staring into nothingness, that was me. I hated not having set tasks to complete and wasting an hour of my day on something I didn't see as fun. 

Growing up I never felt as though I belonged anywhere outside of the house, I felt most comfortable learning, painting and discovering what life had to offer, there were no boundaries as to what I could do. Outside of my family, there was nowhere that I felt safe to open up and live my fantasy. My dreams were always sky high and that didn't change as I grew up. I used to host The Maya Show, a show where I would sing and dance around my grandparents front room for hours on end, in my eyes, I was the star, all eyes were on me and I craved the spotlight. As you can see, I never wanted to be labelled as regular or normal, in year 6 I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up and I responded Victoria Secret model.... sadly in year 8 I googled the height requirements needed and that dream died a slow and painful death.

The summer before high school my mum had forced me to do a Performing Arts mini course where we showcased Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, whilst there I felt at home, I sang, danced and acted infront of strangers and it felt like a place where I belonged. I met this high school boy and he seemed really self confident, care free and he just loved life and I asked him how he was able to be so "him" because I knew I couldn't continue being as closed off as I was in primary school. He told me that I needed to fall in love with me before I loved anyone else, he explained that once you love yourself, nobody else's opinion matters. And the fact that I wasn't stable in myself stopped me from seeing the good in everybody else, after all, if you can't love yourself how are you gonna love somebody else- RuPaul (every single episode of drag race ever). 
I took his advice and started to create this character that loved myself, unfortunately I developed unflattering traits like bitchiness and being judgemental, I realise now that they were manifestations of my insecurities that were still lurking beneath the mask.

Fast forward a few years to when the love of my life Treat died. Treat was my cat and forever my baby in heaven, he was my first experience of mourning a great loss. He was there from the moment I was carried into my home as a newborn, he was my guardian angel, he protected me from the monsters at night and ate my vegetables when I didn't want to. And suddenly, he wasn't with me anymore. This is the only moment in my life where I truly felt alone, I had no one and it was me against the world. This loss sent me spiralling as I didn't have my guardian angel in my life anymore, this was the start of the process of losing my hair. My foundations of who I was had been broken and I had to find myself all over again. On top of not fitting in in high school and being called dumb for being a creative to even my bad diet, my hair then fell out. 

My hair falling out is my biggest blessing in disguise as it helped me to face all of the suppressed issues held deep inside. I accepted that I had no hair, I accepted that I didn't know what I wanted to do, I accepted my differences and truly began to love me for me. That's when my life started to change.

I realised that I could achieve all of my dreams as long as I persevered, I understood that there is a place where I belong and my high school was not that place. I understood what I had to do, so I branded myself and the journey to ultimate success and happiness began here.

GCSEs... the shittest thing anybody could go through. GCSEs were the most degrading thing i've EVER had to do, this is why. I know i'm clever, I know I can achieve anything I ever wanted and more. GCSEs are made to find out how smart or dumb somebody is, as a creative, this never sat right with me because I could deliver the BEST monologue you could ever hear or complete the most amazing storyboard pitch, but in the eyes of the education system, the school and student body, this wasn't as important as getting your academic grades. The stigma is that creatives are dumb and academic students are the ones that will achieve the most in life. My entire GCSE Media course was based off of theory work, all the information I was taught was not technically correct, and I never got to hold technical equipment once... i'm saying this to highlight the fact that creative subjects do not get the importance, recognition or funding they deserve in high schools. Throughout all the careers fairs, lectures and leaflets there was never a single representative from any creative field. The possibility of working in the creative industries wasn't even shown to me. 

Luckily one person changed all of this for me and that was my mentor, my parents had shown me creative courses I could go on and I was discussing them with my mentor. She mentioned that she had heard about The Global Academy on the radio and that I should check it out, I did, and I found that feeling of being at home. As a person my mentor helped my through a lot during the GCSE process, it felt as though I was being squashed and drowned in a sea of possibly failing exams and when I walked into her office I was reminded that being a creative was ok and that I was smarter than I thought I was. I hated the person I became in year 11. I was constantly moody, depressed and on the verge of tears, it felt as though if I didn't force myself to be a high achieving academic I would have nothing, luckily my mentor was there for me and dealt with all my bullshit drama. She was one of the people who helped me see that high school was not the place for me and that to get everything I want in life I had to move on. In the bigger picture, she as well as my media teacher and a few others helped me get back on track to my plan all those years ago of becoming someone in this world. 

That brings me to the present day, iv'e finally found a place where I belong, where I can be truly me, a raw version of me who is loved and accepted by both myself and others. I don't wear a mask anymore and i'm finally embracing being a creative. My work ethic is the best it's ever been as i'm being encouraged to dream big and chase my goals, nowadays I can't sleep unless i've created something that is going to help me grow or change the world, if I sit and watch movies I get anxious, I realise that the anxiety all those years ago was because I wasn't able to chase my goals and do something about my passion, i couldn't manifest greatness. I wake up early because i'm eager to create and I want to eat healthy.  I do yoga, do my affirmations and am nurturing the most beautiful friendships with likeminded individuals. I AM HAPPY. And have learnt to never settle for a regular life ever again.

The End.