Hey guys. So somethings been on my mind lately and it's something big. Only a few people know what i'm about to talk about and they are good enough to keep the secret. But now I feel confident to let it out and tell you all about it.
When I was really little there was this thing about me. I was shy, quiet and scared. I would never talk to anyone or play with anyone. I was scared to talk and be around people, the whole idea of it scared me. As the years went by, it would become worse. The problem had gone from not talking to hiding away during breaks and lunchtimes. I thought they would go to the staffroom and start talking mad shit about they had seen me lonely and how sad I was. So I decided to hide. Every day from year 3 to 6 I would sneak into the school toilets and just wait for the bell to go. This was when all of my insecurities started happening.
I see this side of me as a different person, I try to always keep her bottled up deep down inside of me and try to get rid of her. Over the year 6-7 holiday period I went to a drama class where we performed. My main goal was to hide this person and create an all new alter ego for high school because I was fed up and wanted to be a different person. I worked on talking to people and actually made a friend there. I remember there was this one boy. He was joking, laughing and getting all the girls. He was the 'cool kid' of the place. Over a few days I had been preparing to talk to him. I needed to know how he was doing it, speaking to people he had hardly known.
I spoke to him. He was with his possy of girls who were way older and stronger than me. I told him my situation and he was actually really nice. He told me that people were just people and they wouldn't hurt me. He explained that it way all about confidence. After that he made sure he was in my group for all the activities and he taught me about alter egos and about how he gains confidence.
From there I worked really hard on my new person and how she would be. I worked so hard that when the first day of high school came around I was a new person. I had worked so had to tame this sad person inside me.
Anyways sometimes I feel like that person comes out and I can't control her. She makes me cry and anxious and makes my hair fall out. Throughout the year I have started to think that some teachers judge me. I feel like they look at me and just judge, about my hair, writing, everything. It's some teachers in some lessons and I can't help but try and act strong and confident. I feel like they can see right through to my old self. That's what gives me a bit of anxiety.
The strangest thing happened today though. I had one of the lessons which I feel like the teacher judges. I walk into the class and I put on my act. About half way through the lesson I finish the sheet given and I start contemplating whether I should tell her that i'm done. I kept thinking, what if I got the answer wrong. But I call her over and got all the questions right. While she was marking my questions I suddenly felt that there was no need to hide and act. The rest of the lesson I actually felt comfortable being myself. Not the scared one, but the new one. I think I realised that she is just a person and that she can't do me any harm. She is harmless to me. I was actually comfortable to talk about my Alopecia near her which was really surprising. I came out to lunch actually dumbfounded because I felt like a huge weight had been lifted of of me. My friends know who the exact person is, and they understand where i'm coming from.
Anyways, I think that after today I won't feel too anxious about her lessons and be a bit more confident with how I am around people.
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